One step forward one be step back.

I'm back at O'hare.  Waiting for my passport this time. I'll have it tomorrow as my flight leaves tomorrow night for Egypt. Inshallah. Spent what seemed like forever at the federal building.  Paid expidited fees to only be told they need to further verify my identify and it could be done tomorrow or take weeks. Kills me to think we might have to be apart longer but its the will of God.  Soon inshallah.

Delayed.....

It has been several days since I left for Chicago.   I have not yet departed for Cairo.   I spent 40 hours in Ohare with assign abundance of hang ups. But Inshaallah I leave Tuesday. 

TIME OUT! Deep Breath.

I want to entitle today as: Panic Attack Saturday

Trains, buses, cars, and planes.  All form of transportation I will use in the next 4 days.  Yeah.  In four days I will fly to Egypt.  I will be married.  And live happily ever after.  IN FOUR DAYS

So what's with the panic attack?  Well, I'm getting married and I am a complete introvert.  There will be people.  Lots of people.  

I have been introverted all my life.  I knew this was going to be rough but I figured, the excitement and joy would get me through the panic just fine.  And if that didn't to it, well surely Allah would help me.  Well, panic hit me. Crying, hyperventilating, the whole thing.  Ya Rab

Now this does not mean in ANY manner that I am not ready or willing to marry my fiance.  He is my heart.  There is no question to this.  I want to be his wife more than I desire any other thing in life right now.  This simply means, I feel vulnerable and nervous.

First off... I have never flown before.  Like ever.  I will get on a plane in Chicago, fly 10+ hours to Istanbul, have a 14 hour layover, and then fly another 4 hours to Cairo.  Before this though... I will need to get on a train, ride 5 hours to Chicago, take an 8 hour bus ride to Appleton, WI... pick up a few things, take another 4 hour bus ride back to Madison WI where I will stay with my mother for two days, and then either get a ride in a car or take a bus to O'hare. This is all going to happen in 4 days. OMG

Ok ok....  The Nikah I can handle.  I trust my walhi.  I trust Wael. No problems with the ceremony...  The wedding...  Ok.  Here is the issue.  I understand Arabic well.  But I speak it very very little.  There will be VERY few English speaking people there.  What am I going to do?  I am going to look like an idiot.  And worse yet, I am afraid to embarrass Wael.  And there will be people there.  Yeah.  Introverts and people... Um. IDK. 

Ya Rab

I'm avoiding coffee.   Going to take a long bath.   And then going to go take a nap.   Hopefully another long day will be over.  Tomorrow.  Off to Wisconsin inshallah.

5 days ALHAMDULILLAH!

MIRACLES REALLY HAPPEN

EVEN TO ORDINARY PEOPLE

 So yesterday I was devastated.  Today I am rejoicing.  Alhamdulillah we have truly been blessed. Everything has come into place and our fears from just yesterday have been replaced by rejoicing.

Surrendering My Will to Allah

  

وَأَلْقَوْاْ إِلَى اللَّهِ يَوْمَئِذٍ السَّلَمَ وَضَلَّ عَنْهُم مَّا كَانُواْ يَفْتَرُونَ

And they will offer (their full) submission to Allah on that Day, and what they falsely invented will wander away from them.

Control. It is what I have lived my life with.  I controlled what I wore, what I ate, what I said, when I took a breath... I believed that everything you think, say, and do is a choice.  If I did not have control I felt powerless.  And without power I felt vulnerable.  Yes, again, the vulnerability.

I have trust issues.  With so much disappointment in my life, so much pain and suffering, I became numb to that which was happening around me.  I didn't let anyone in and I didn't feel anything but security I made for myself because I learned I could rely on no one.  

I always thought of surrender as a type of defeat.  Never Surrender!  Something I told myself over and over again.  But surrender is not defeat when we give our lives to Allah.  It is more like victory.  By putting full faith in Allah we are paving our way to Jannah.  

 وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بَالِغُ أَمْرِهِ قَدْ جَعَلَ اللَّهُ لِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدْرًا

 And will provide for him from (a quarter) whence he hath no expectation. And whosoever putteth his trust in Allah, He will suffice him. Lo! Allah bringeth His command to pass. Allah hath set a measure for all things.

at-Talaq 65:3

I accept that I do not have control.  I accept Allah controls my life.  This does not mean I sit by and let life pass me by, but when something happens I will pray for guidance, push forward, and accept that even though I may not like what has happened, it is not vulnerability but security, for Allah knows best.

Disappointment

This chapter of my life I want to call... 

Disappointment

The most disappointing thing in life is when you prepare for the most awaiting day and before you can reach that day you can not meet the person you have been waiting your entire life to be with.

Right now I can't tell you if this is killing me or making me stronger.  But for whatever reason one week is not going to happen.  Postponed at least another week.  It isn't his fault nor is it mine.  It is out of our control.  Nothing we can do but pray.  

My ex-husband did some bad things again.  Financially, with the IRS.  He has froze both of our bank accounts.  The money I was supposed to use to travel to Egypt just isn't available and I don't know when it will be.  

Almost two weeks ago I was forced to stop working because I have four severely herniated disks (L2-S1).  So now I feel completely screwed.  And I am so lost right now I don't even know what to do other than pray that Allah will guide us in the right direction and bring us together.  I believe everything will be fine.  In time, Inshallah.

But the disappointment came when I knew I had to tell the man I love, my best friend, my soul mate, my everything... that I don't know if I can make it next week.  That I may have broken my promise.  And to hear the sound of anger, frustration, and pain in his voice.  I was for the first time in my 30 years of life, truly and utterly disappointed in myself. 

Maybe this is a test from Allah.  To test our love for one another.  Our endurance.  Or maybe it is a test for me.  To show me I can't control everything.  See I'm the kind of person who likes to have control of my life. I am a planner, a preparer, stick to schedules, always early, always expect the unexpected... (This I did not expect btw).  I know I should hand my life over to Allah.  But that is where I struggle every day.  Now I must give up everything and let Allah take control.  Show me what I need to do to get to my love.

One thing I know is this...  Our love is true.  Because what makes true love is not just the good times we share together but that we can get through any obstacle together and still say, "I love you".

The longest week of my life....

Don't worry. This is not just another love story.

Ok, yeah it is, but that's not the point.

With a world full of countless "love" stories they get kind of tiring to read.  I never let anyone know I was a romantic.  I love "love" don't get me wrong, I spent a great deal of my life trying to grasp its meaning.  Chasing the dream of true love.  Getting my heart broken every time.  I got to the point where “love” was the last thing I wanted. I was done. I’d had enough. No more for me.

 Apparently, Allah had different plans.

 

I know, this sounds just like all the other stories you’ve read, right? Well, I guess it would be, but for one simple fact.

 

Love only came to me in the process of re-engaging in my relationship with Allah. 

 

You can’t just stop wanting “love,” because love animates the entire Ummah. And there is nothing more natural, or inherent in our being, than to seek that love, real halal love, as Allah intended for us. But, you have to know where to look.

 

I was truly blessed. Alhamdulillah  I stumbled on the right path without the slightest desire for love. I didn’t want anything from  God, other than to become closer to Him. And that’s what I prayed for every day, over and over again.

Soooo.... A friend of mine had posted on Facebook that she had a friend who she was trying to find a wife. For whatever the reason I responded, feeling absolutely insane. She sent me information about him which I found to be good information and sent information about me.  

A meeting was set for us to talk on Facebook a few days later.  

I don't know what happened.  Something clicked the moment he we started talking. Alhamdulillah  I can't describe what it was. His attitude, his honesty, his sincerity, his everything.  I don't know how it happened but by the end of that conversation I accepted his proposal for marriage. 

From that moment... And for the past 27 days it has become more and more apparent that God has made us to complete each other.  We are inseparable even though there are 5,905 miles (or 9503 kilometers) separating us. Yeah. He is in Egypt and I am in Detroit.  But does distance really matter?  No.  Just follow Allah and his plan will unfold before you.

 

Allahu Akbar!  

 

In one week, inshallah, I will travel to Egypt and become his wife.  

These days are moving at a snails pace.  Today has been the longest day so far, and I only anticipate they will become longer and longer.  And as they become longer, my blogging will increase. LOL  What else can a girl in love do?

 

 

 

 

 

Falling in Love

Falling in love with you was like coming to a place I didn't realize I'd been missing all my life. You're the only person I've ever known who accepts me for who I am, right now in this moment, faults and all, and isn't waiting for me to become someone else.

Jealousy

I'm sorry if I get jealous sometimes and overreact...

Its only because there is a bigger chance of me losing  you than of you losing me.

Walking in the Rain

Regret

I've learned that I should never regret anything.  Roll with the punches.  After years of disappointment I put up so many walls to keep people out I became cold and heartless.  Any time someone got close to my heart I felt the vulnerability and put up another wall, pushing them away. 

You are the first person who has been brave enough to not just stand idly on the other side of the wall.  You didn't just climb over it.  You are the only person who has ever tried to tear those walls down-and you've succeeded.  That's what scares me the most.  Without my walls I feel vulnerable.

I don't want to push you away.  I don't want to keep you out.  You are my everything.  But for some reason I am still fighting my insecurities even though I know you would never hurt me.  I know it from the deepest place in my heart.  Why I said what I said I don't know.  I don't believe it for a second.  And I don't know how to make you understand what I feel inside. 

I've never regretted anything in my life.  Until now.  I regret saying what I said because it hurt you. Hurting you has caused a pain I can't bare, its an emptiness, and I feel like I can barely breath.  I love you so much.  Can you forgive me again?  I didn't mean to hurt you.  I saw the words after I typed them and I felt like I would die.  I hurts so much to know that I hurt you.  I feel like you're silently broken and I have created this.  So, please baby, stay with me, look into my eyes, and see I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry.

“I know nothing - nothing in the world - of the hearts of men. I only know that I am alone - horribly alone.”-Ford Madox Ford

Perception of Time

Moving to Dearborn sounded so romantic.  Just leaving bad thing in my life behind and staring over again.  Getting to start new.  But it has dawned on my that by being slightly introverted and moving to an area where I know ONE person can be lonely.  Its not like there is a place for a 30 year old Muslimah to hang out. 

Top that off with being in love with the most wonderful man... Who lives 6000+ miles away and having to wait the next 26 days before I can leave and marry him.  It feels so incredibly lonely. 

Leaving a place where I was the only Muslim amongst my christian friends and feeling alone to moving to a place where I am surrounded by Muslims but having absolutely no connection to anyone here is complete irony. 

What holds me together is the fact that I know time does progress.  No matter how fast or slow we perceive time it moves at a constant pace and always has.  It is occupying ones mind with thoughts other than the waiting and loneliness that give us the perception that time is actually moving faster.

So, instead of sitting here thinking about how lonely I am without him... It's time to motivate and make something of my life.

I am a hopeless romantic

I really just want to cuddle with you.  I want you to trace shapes with your fingers on my back sending shivers up my spine.  I want you to wrap your arms around my waist and hold me close to you, protecting me. I want to feel your warmth as I am wrapped up in your arms.  I want to fall asleep while listening to your heartbeat and right before I slip into sleep I want you to whisper 'I love you' into my ear so I can go to sleep with a smile on my face.