Disappointment

This chapter of my life I want to call... 

Disappointment

The most disappointing thing in life is when you prepare for the most awaiting day and before you can reach that day you can not meet the person you have been waiting your entire life to be with.

Right now I can't tell you if this is killing me or making me stronger.  But for whatever reason one week is not going to happen.  Postponed at least another week.  It isn't his fault nor is it mine.  It is out of our control.  Nothing we can do but pray.  

My ex-husband did some bad things again.  Financially, with the IRS.  He has froze both of our bank accounts.  The money I was supposed to use to travel to Egypt just isn't available and I don't know when it will be.  

Almost two weeks ago I was forced to stop working because I have four severely herniated disks (L2-S1).  So now I feel completely screwed.  And I am so lost right now I don't even know what to do other than pray that Allah will guide us in the right direction and bring us together.  I believe everything will be fine.  In time, Inshallah.

But the disappointment came when I knew I had to tell the man I love, my best friend, my soul mate, my everything... that I don't know if I can make it next week.  That I may have broken my promise.  And to hear the sound of anger, frustration, and pain in his voice.  I was for the first time in my 30 years of life, truly and utterly disappointed in myself. 

Maybe this is a test from Allah.  To test our love for one another.  Our endurance.  Or maybe it is a test for me.  To show me I can't control everything.  See I'm the kind of person who likes to have control of my life. I am a planner, a preparer, stick to schedules, always early, always expect the unexpected... (This I did not expect btw).  I know I should hand my life over to Allah.  But that is where I struggle every day.  Now I must give up everything and let Allah take control.  Show me what I need to do to get to my love.

One thing I know is this...  Our love is true.  Because what makes true love is not just the good times we share together but that we can get through any obstacle together and still say, "I love you".